Friday, January 28, 2011

Timmy, Are We There Yet?

Where did my journey go?

I don't see my fellow travelers much these days.
I don't find the urge to pound my body into oblivion in hopes that I'll escape oblivion in the future so easily.

It is early Friday afternoon and I don't know when my last workout was, nor when my next one is coming. Maybe typing this will make it happen?

Did I do all of this for me, or for y'all?
Was I selfish the whole time, or gregarious?

My body hurts these days.
It hurt all last season when I was training, playing and anywhen else.

When I run, all I can think of is "Why am I doing this, where am I going?"
When I do a pushup or squat, when i throw a medball or disc... All I can think is "Again? Why the hell are you doing this again?"
I'm not out of breath, but I'm out of willpower. Out of focus. Fuzzy-edged.

Upstate NY, Indiana.
This journey completed, did we ever reach the destination? Was the destination just having memories of being someone on a journey once upon a time?

D.C., The CandyShop.
The midatlantic something or other. Looking for vistas on trail runs and room for Sammy to KILL TIM.

Just as nomadic as ever.
Something will pin me happily to a place sometime, right? Some journey I can't foresee will pull me into a tight orbit somewhere?

These breaths I shared with y'all...
Well worth the prices I paid.

Thanks, fuckers, is what I'm trying to say.
Now what the hell do I do?

I'm like a retired pro athlete with no money to show for the pain.
Or even to buy the painkillers.

I feel like I should go to college now.
I was too immature the first time.

Seeking out something with meaning. Something to give myself away to.
If J wasn't here, I'd quote some davey foster wallace here...

Better in a philosophical way, maybe.
The undervaluation of self-importance and all.

The worse in an economical theory kinda way, maybe.
But then, Nic Darling told me that as soon as you earn $1000000, you should be forced to give it all away.

I already gave it all away and found I didn't want it in the first place.

I've focused on the Journey for so long, I don't even understand what a Destination is or how to find one.
UpstateNY(there are no cities there, so don't expect me to use terms like "Oneanta"),Indiana(ibid),Philly,D.C.... Limbo.

This Journey has no end, no beginning.
Maybe I'll soon enough be able to make sense of that meaninglessness again. Maybe I won't. Maybe both and neither all at once are the only way to see and be it.

My back cracks, my shoulders pop. My knees creak and my neck squeaks. My feet burn and hands get weak.
I wouldn't give it back, I wouldn't trade it. But I can't not doubt myself.

Not sure what commenced this or convinced me that this was the place for it, but here it is kids.
Oh, right... It was the title of this blog that pulled me here. Perhaps if I struggle with the meanings of those words, I'll find something. I'll learn something.

I'll understand?